Nobody likes getting criticized. Receiving feedback- even good, constructive criticism- can be a deeply awkward experience. Getting helpful criticism is essential for our personal and professional development. The key is learning how to take criticism with grace. The next time someone offers advice, keep these principles in mind so you can stay cool, listen well, and learn from the experience.
Don’t Take It Personally
It can be easy to hear “you did this wrong” and interpret it as “you’re wrong.” Any criticism could feel like a direct attack on your competence, intelligence, and character if you receive feedback in a defensive headspace. It’s important not to take good faith criticism personally. When someone is giving you feedback, they are trying to help. Most criticism is not intended to break you down or demean you; it’s meant to help you improve.
One way you take feedback less personally is to apply the criticism to your role as opposed to you as a person. They are criticizing actions you took as a student or as a worker; they are not criticizing you in your totality as a human being. When you receive feedback that’s specifically applied to a task or behavior, do not let yourself expand the scope of that criticism in your mind. Just because you’re told you perform “badly” at one thing doesn’t mean that it applies to everything else you do. Keep criticism focused to the topic at hand.
Don’t Get Defensive
That being said: Sometimes criticism is done in bad faith. Sometimes the criticism is wrong and/or undeserved. You should respond to it in the same way you’d respond to positive criticism by NOT getting defensive. Being defensive makes you seem less in control and vulnerable- it will make even faulty criticism seem legitimate because they will think they struck a nerve. If the criticism is actually useful, being defensive makes it seem like you’re rejecting their feedback. You’re so busy trying to justify your actions or mindset that it will seem like you’re not listening.
It’s also counterproductive: when was the last time you had a formal review, feedback session, or reprimanding where you were able to argue your way out of it? Let the other person say their piece, consider it carefully, and use the feedback that’s helpful. If you feel the feedback is unfair and could be damaging to how others perceive you (like your boss), schedule a follow-up meeting to address these concerns. Give yourself time to think about your response carefully; don’t do it in the heat of the moment.
Hit the Pause Button
The key to taking criticism well is to control your reaction. Start by REALLY listening. Don’t just wait to talk; listen with an open mind. Be mindful of how you’re presenting yourself; a pained or upset expression, shift in body language, or testy tone of voice could paint you in a bad light. Being able to take feedback with grace is something that people notice and value. Sit up straight, take deep breaths, and maintain a comfortable amount of eye contact with the person giving you feedback. Don’t be evasive or give them the cold shoulder; remember that this interaction is probably no picnic for the person offering their critiques, so try not to make things any more awkward than they already are.
If asked any questions, don’t answer right away. Take a beat to think it over. If you feel like you need more time to respond to this criticism, ask if you can follow up with them later.
Ask for Examples
If you get feedback that’s kind of vague or general, ask for specifics. Get them to give you examples and narrow down the scope of their criticism. The more specific and detailed a piece of feedback is, the more useful and easier to implement it will be.
Consider the Giver
One other area to keep in mind is that we all have our blind spots and unexamined biases. When receiving feedback from someone, remember what you know about them. Is this criticism accurate and fair to you, or is it a distorted perspective from their point of view? Is this person qualified to give you advice? If you’re a writer looking for feedback on your work, a published author’s feedback will be more valuable to you than the critiques of a co-worker who’s never read a book.
What’s the Solution?
It’s easy to point out a problem; it’s much harder to propose a solution. When receiving feedback, ask for suggestions on a plan of action. How can you improve? What resources could assist you? Is there someone who could help you overcome this issue? If you’re receiving work-related feedback, is there a date that you need to resolve this by? You should be able to walk away from a feedback session with at least one action item to tackle. If you walk away feeling bad about yourself and see no visible path to improvement lying before you, you’ve just received unhelpful criticism.
Adopt A Growth Mindset
It’s easier to process and profit from feedback if you adopt a growth mindset. Look at criticism as an opportunity to improve.
“We can’t improve if we don’t know what and how we need to improve,” said Dr. Melanie Abts, Rio Salado College's Counseling Faculty Co-Chair. “Feedback provides this. Ask for feedback on how to correct your mistakes. Mistakes are ok because they teach us how to improve. Don’t be afraid to fail or improve.”
Article by Austin Brietta
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