“Lend me your ears,” Shakespeare once wrote. That is listening in a nutshell: offering up the gift of your attention. It is the kind of gift that should be given freely and enthusiastically but never sloppily; few things can sour someone’s mood like realizing the person they’re talking to isn’t paying attention. Whether you’re going to school or in the workplace, being a good listener is a vital skill to cultivate.
Active listening— in which you give someone your full attention and marshal an array of skills (including body language, emotional regulation, empathy and self-awareness) to stay engaged in the conversation— can make a huge difference in your ability to retain information, foster closer relationships, and share space with others. There are several ways in which you can make yourself a more active listener— read on as we break down a few of these methods so you’ll be ready the next time someone asks you to lend them your ear.
Listen With Your Whole Body
Good listening isn’t just with your ears; it’s with the whole body. Your body language can convey way more than you think. If you’re slouching and looking off into the distance, even if you’re actually paying attention to what’s being said, the speaker will probably think you’re off in your own world. Your facial expressions, posture, how you hold your head, your hands, these all can tell stories on their own that could undermine the image you’re trying to project. Eye contact is particularly important in this respect.
While maintaining good body language is important, it’s just as important to pay attention to how the people you talk to carry themselves. A speaker’s body language can yield plenty of essential information; many an inveterate liar was caught because their body language gave away their insincerity. Are their arms crossed? They could be feeling closed off. Unable to maintain eye contact? Quite possibly lying about something. Like any good poker player, look for the “tells” that let you know when someone is being transparent with you and when they are not.
Don’t Use Your Own Words
There may be moments in a class or conversation where you have to repeat what was said to you, especially if you’re seeking clarification on the subject or proving that you’re following along. In these situations, the temptation to rephrase what was told to you in your words is strong but studies suggest that it’s actually better to employ direct repetition. Whenever an opportunity for repeated speech comes up, repeat what they said word for word as much as you can. Doing this holds a few benefits: it boosts your memory skills, it encourages deeper listening because you’re trying to keep track of every word they’re saying, and also inspires positive feelings from the listener that you’ve been paying close attention. Putting something in your own words could risk offending the other party or creating confusion/misinterpretations on your part because you’re saying their point incorrectly.
An effective way to show that you’re listening and to keep the flow of conversation is to sometimes chime in and repeat the last few words they said. This can be particularly useful if the speaker trails off, goes off on a tangent, or otherwise seems to have lost their place. Repeating the last thing they said can get some gears turning and oftentimes reignite their memory.
Ask Questions
A simple and powerful technique to improve your listening and foster trust and respect with the people you communicate with is to ask questions. Asking questions shows that you’re listening and expresses a desire on your part to learn more. Don’t be afraid to ask clarifying questions when the opportunity arises. Don’t forget that sometimes people who know a subject really well will take it for granted that you possess a certain baseline of information, so they may gloss over essential details that feel rote to them but are actually critical for you to grasp what they’re talking about.
Just make sure that you’re asking sincere questions and not just asking for the sake of talking. Few things are more annoying than someone who interprets the flow of conversation to ask a bunch of rhetorical questions or prod the speaker to go on tangents that can derail their flow.
Don’t Be Waiting Just to Talk
Perhaps one of the biggest mistakes people make in trying to listen is that they’re more worried about what they’re going to say on “their turn” than in actually listening. Don’t just wait to talk! Silently workshopping in your head what you’re going to say next is a distraction; it takes you out of the moment, and it’s disrespectful to the people around you. You may end up missing an important piece of information because you were too busy rehearsing the conversation you want to have to pay attention to the one that you're in.
Put Your Phone Away
Distractions are the death of listening. Focus on the conversation at hand by minimizing distractions. In most cases, that means putting your phone on silent and then sliding it away. If you have wearable electronics like a step tracker or smart-watch, silence alerts on them as well so you don’t have a distracting notification flashing on your wrist. Managing distractions is even more important during virtual meetings— the temptation to multi-task and write, check emails, or Google while in a conversation can be strong but you must resist. There have been many studies that indicate multitasking is not effective; we overestimate our competence and ability to juggle multiple tasks. You just end up doing two or three things worse than doing one thing very well. So close those other tabs and stay focused on your virtual meeting.
Emotional Control
Few things can get in the way of listening like emotions. When you’re angry, you don’t want to listen. If you’re afraid or feel ashamed, you’ll say or do anything to switch gears to a new topic. And even with positive emotions like joy, you can end up being so effusive and happy that you lose track of what you’re talking about. It’s important to monitor your emotions during a conversation to maintain active listening. If you feel your emotional state getting volatile, take a deep breath and count to three. Get a drink of water. If you find that you can’t concentrate, politely excuse yourself for a few minutes so you can get yourself back to a neutral state. There’s no point in trying to “gut it out;” the longer you stay listening to someone while feeling intense emotions, the greater the risk that you may say or do something that you’ll regret. It’s better to take a break and come down softly than roll the dice on blowing up.
Own Your Flaws
If you want to be a better listener, you have to own up to your shortcomings. Are you easily distracted? Do you tend to talk over people? Do long conversations tire you out? Understanding the things that cause you to fall out of sync in conversations is crucial; if you don’t know your blind spots, how can you teach yourself to see more clearly? If you have an issue that is unavoidable— hard of hearing, perhaps, or a strong tendency to fidget— let people know upfront so that they can modulate themselves accordingly.
You also need to get over any fear you have that people will think you’re dumb if you ask them to explain something again. If you get distracted for a moment or have a hard time following a train of thought, it’s okay to admit that and ask for them to walk you through it again. It’s better to own up to a brief lapse in listening than to just keep on truckin’ like nothing’s wrong and risk missing out on a load-bearing piece of information that holds everything together.
Enjoy the Silence
Don’t fear the pause! There may be moments of “dead air” in a conversation. Resist the kneejerk desire to fill that silence: that impulse can often lead to us saying things we shouldn’t. See these “pregnant pauses" as moments of reflection. It gives you a few seconds to process what you’ve heard, to really think it over, and to check-in on your emotional state. Consider a pause in the conversation as a palate cleanser, or like you’ve hit the end of a vinyl record’s A-side and just need a moment to flip over to the B-side and keep the groove going.
Article by Austin Brietta
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